Ready, Steady, GO!!!

Im angry at myself. I’ve let so many people walk all over me, and my plans for the future have been affected. It isn’t even an intentional act on their part, but rather a blowback consequence of my recent exposure from college. Let me rephrase it: it is high time. High time. Take some lasting and meaningful chances. But be very careful, you only live once, so make it count, but have fun. Always remember to have a good time.  Always remember what it is you are really about. Experience culture, but try and change the world. You’re going to need lasting experience to prove your good intentions. And that’s the worst part. But make it worthwhile and get your hands dirty. Peace Corps? Look into NGO’s and to the United Nations. The United Nations. Also, this requires you to keep and make important contacts.

1.     Ryan Good

2.     Alex Hime

3.     Jacklyn Juetten

4.     Toni Stone

5.     Mrs. Aiassa

6.     Cobie Harris

7.     Lawrence Quill

8.     Constantine Danopoulos

9.     Derek Richardson

10.  Axel Naver

11.  Ryan Besgrove

12.  Carolyn Mesmin

13.  Brandon Whale

14.  Gustavo Gallegos

15.  Stuart Gilchrist

16.  Claudia from Romania

 

These People, as well as a few unmentioned, i.e on facebook and family, will be instrumental not only for what you are able to achieve, but the outward impression you will leave with others. (or the world at large) Care not about a legacy. Work hard to perfect your semantics. It will now become more important than ever that the world understand you aright. Oh, and grow a pair. You ought to care only marginally about what others might think about you in the negative. It’s you. But keep manners, courtesy, compassion, and modesty. Perfect your spoken French and Spanish. German? To everything with passion! Always! Do it and mean it! Make music, and share in your wonder with others. Feedback from those formentioned will be invaluable. Je chante! Je chante soir et matin! Je chante sur mon chemin!

The Wild One

and I dont know why my life has changed so quickly and unmonitored. All of a sudden i'm someone else. What I can attest to is my endearing sense of purpose. I must go to Europe. San Francisco must be left both quickly and with style. Thats probably the biggest problem. How do I let the closest people to me down? The most interesting thing is not my wanting to do it, but more an inner voice suggesting at what things may come. I consider this a psuedo-crossroads. What exactly do I want? It all really does play back to what matters most to me. My own happiness. A golden cage, really. Then theres the other problem. Just leave now, you wouldn't miss it. I just cant. Thats why i'm so upset. I had even considered this as being perhaps the most dangerous possibility, and it unfolded like a damn prophecy. Words to describe: love, beauty, sadness, nostalgic, impossible, perfect. 

It always happens during the damn holidays. Every year now. It's because I have too much fun in the summer, and I have such a good troop of friends going that it's impossible to resist. Wild one, why did you ever come? Or is it me? Perhaps it's your collective calm. There is always a calm before the storm. I'll go my own way. I'm the wild one. You wouln't ever follow me. I love you. Joke with friends, but never talk to strangers...

Lonely is really my calling, but what a terrible calling! Why can't I just accept a satisfying fun!? Drops of rain turn me into a painting. Your painting. Do I really look hot when I smoke? Champagne all the same. How do you say star in french? I'll have two bottles, rather late don't you think? ...

                       you

                              have

                                       no

                                            idea

David and Goliath

It has recently come to my attention that while my Fall 2008 transcripts from my study abroad are still in shambles, I am powerless to try and motivate the system. This bureaucratic nightmare is actually taking more time out of my life at school than my actual studies. It really shouldn't be this way, nor was it ever intended to. This means, from no actual explicit statement, that I might not be graduating this semester. What does one do when they have completed all listed courses and units, and is still in limbo one week away from the comencement ceremony? One shuts down, at least in my case. I'm finished, disgusted, robbed, and disgraced. I've talked to everyone, written every requested letter of greivance, met with the managment, but to no avail. The past two weeks I can identify a slumping depression, where I have turned to alcohol to alleviate my situation. I want out. I need help. I want what is mine. I've recently discovered an artist who caters all to well to my deepening depression: Lykke Li. Her haunting voice and incredibly real situations serves as the outlet where I can pour all my anger and depression. It seems too fitting that in order to recieve a degree in Political Science that one fight the establishment, the bureaucratic mess that was so slandered in lessons and sentiment. It will all be over soon, one way or another I suppose. Check out Lykke Li's "Tonight". 

Sorrow and Uncertainty

Coming to terms with my fundamental disagreements involving so many aspects of institutionalized expected behavior, I have decided to run away from it all. This semester, and I hate constant referral to University as the source of my grief, I feel large gaps of unfulfilled priority have been super ceded by academia. So much of my devotion and work has poured over the structured demands of professors, who know what they do. This hardship isn't voluntary, as so many might assume. My academic studies for a diploma exists now unrecognized as necessity. This fact alone leaves the false impression that certain aspects of mandatory coursework are "for the greater good" rather than what they really are: academic minutiae. Combined with constant reverberated complaint from professor to pupil, unwelcome assignments, and catastrophic economic realities for so many, this graduation comes not as a relief, but more of a complete disappointment. I literally feel I might have wasted three years of my life. Not to completely blame the University (although after four years of tuition payments much is left to be desired), but the morale and social reality of San Jose is simply contrary to academic success. Students commute, attend courses, and leave. The lack of community and conducive environments where students can engage and imbibe their studies is so disheartening that SJSU might as well be a corporate employer (and a bad one at that). In short, I could care less about a piece of paper with the thanks of the bureaucrats. I want my money back. 

Drama Versus Theatrics: Ode to Mary Poppins

More on self-analysis if you can believe it: I'm theatrical. Allow me to explain. One very important point I've noticed in comparison with my attitude and most others I know is my ability to be easy. I have extraordinary few biases and qualms with anything or anyone. It might be this ability that allows me to get along with most everyone I meet. It came to me today, listening to my friends reconcile their differences among lies after lies of "he said, she said" minutiae. I seem to be the great decider by proxy or even default with so many things; and yet I still cant seem to manage my own agenda. I'm sure there isn't a single person who feels entirely looked after, (at least I hope not), but I feel that too many people are immature. Let me explain my vanity. When confronted with conflict, either amongst friends or otherwise, I never get angry in the moment, or rather never enough to inhibit my train of rational thought or word choice. I can always maintain a strict sense of self and objectivity, at least I like to think so. Its because I tell the truth, regardless to consequences intended or not. I just do it with finesse. This is what pardons me from being dramatic. I can say with some certainty that my behavior and lifestyle is rather flamboyantly theatrical, but never dramatic in the lasting sense. This interesting objectivity is a symbol of maturity on my behalf, demonstrating the responsibility I'm willing to take for my actions. Too much around me is quite the reverse. The world is full of Queens who can't live in the truth. It's time to bid adieu, open up the umbrella, and fly off into the clouds once again.

Caviar and Cigarettes

I came bursting out with such an interesting quote the other afternoon that I had to pause a minute to admire myself. "I don't think I need another day of what somebody else has to say." At first glance, this rather simple quip is but a drop in the pond of ordinary conversation. Placed in context however, and it makes a powerful gesture to my ego and self-conviction of where I'm going in life. Essentially, I've tried to reach out for guidance, and all I seem to find is a lack thereof. I hate not having direction. Well, that aside, I have found the best Champagne in my entire life: Trader Joe's Blanc de Blanc. Its marvelous price tag of $4.49 per bottle tickles my tummy before the bubbles themselves do! I just can't say enough about it. Champagne is the cure to any disappointment, and has done so many times this semester. Many of my new found friends are living in constant crisis these days; blaming their situation on anyone but themselves. They have done it so well that I almost found myself following suit. And then it happened. Three days ago, in COMM 10, we learned about the Chinese hybrid character for the word crisis: danger and opportunity. That left me flustered for a few hours, trying to apply this new information to my situation. The opportunity I have found is the ability to return to earth. These next couple weeks will now be my humble return to the grindstone. To work where I must. To graduate and close this chapter of my life, only to move foreward into uncertainty and excitment. 

Senior-itis

My frustration with this semester isn't the classical example of what a senior in college might suggest. Rather than allowing the fact that my grades from last semester are still not transferred over from France, my heavy course schedule is almost entirely lower-division GE (and therefore useless), not having a car, job inconsistency, my questionable behavior, and a disconnect from my family, I've resorted by default to good old-fashioned procrastination and partying. This dreaded reality doesn't seem wrong or bothersome to me in the least. I couldn't be more fed up with the useless bureaucracy and lack of answers and action SJSU provides. Why I subject myself to this constant hell is proving more puzzling by the day, with no way to bow out gracefully. The life I have led these past few weeks, consisting of frequent inebriation and rendez-vous with my good friends, has done something to me. In the gaps of sobriety I've had, I realized that there must be balance restored to my college life: get out more. I've met some of the most amazing people in my entire life this semester, which proves to be a direct product of my total disinterest with school this semester. At the same time, I'm torn with such a reckless attitude and lifestyle; it's too damn cliche. It also isn't what I really want. Last year I spent in France proved to be the most academically challenging and intellectually rewarding experiences I could have hoped for. The distinction was clear when I began this final spring semester at SJSU. The reality is a sorry one: San Jose State University is a poor example to higher education, filled with apathy and completely devoid of good morale, with sub-par teaching (with several noted exceptions), and a very wide solidarity gap between student and teacher. I would never recommend this college. What should have been a critical first-step into adulthood, with enthusiasm and challenging academics, has rather been the mundane and careless methods of both faculty and institution. 

Long Overdue

In my defense, my computer crapped out on me this past month, so this might be what some call an ode to my frustrations. There now exists too many things simultaneously as pointless annoyances that I literally find myself cutting off some of the most important aspects of my life just to get away from it all. I thought about asking for help, but from who? My situation might as well be that of every other person, currently just trying to make it. 

A little bit about my critical observations with regards to what to do:

1. Never get involved with drugs. It is the vice of those who cannot manage their emotions. 

2. Always try and help people, even though these past weeks my reflection of humanity under reappraisal is a terrible and emotionally selfish being, seeking only its personal satisfaction on the backs and pain of others.

3. Enjoy life more. It is fast proving far too overcrowded with work, and work for what?

4. Begin saying goodbye.

In case you jumped a few blogs, or you don't know the plan, I'm moving to Europe. I fell I'm in a different place seeing a different me. I'm first off to establish my working visas and job possibilities. 

Here's the most exciting bit:

Post arrival, I move for my bold and classical crusade for Philosophy across the continent, ending in Vienna, where I've been invited to study under a wonderful professor from my study abroad last year. I'm going the other way, not the jump out of college and into the rat race. Life despite all of this still requires my forthright commitment to standardized higher education, in the form of a BA diploma, which means so little to me. 

La Vie Que Je Veau!

What a weekend! The past several days, i've experienced perhaps the most wild, outlandish, inappropriate, vulgar, tasteless, and outright amazing time of my life. It might be best to detail my excitement through what it left me with psychologically, and how this will impact my life as we know it from now on. I now believe in all sincerity that I am a Communist, and a local celebrity. Upon divulging this information to others, I discovered myself and my friends invited to some of the most lavist appartments and afterparties in San Francisco. This epiphany of political affiliation came to me on Saturday night, while I was sitting in the rooftop garden of a wealthy interior designer sipping champagne. Veuve it was, and for the life of me I couldn't realize where I was, not even the city I was in. (Keep in mind, this was around four in the morning!) I then began to digress slowly about my life as it exists now, (as one does in situations of nostalgia on nice rooftop gardens). It came to me quite abruptly that corruption of the nature of self and inter-personal relationships as well as sense of community was a product of a pessemist inside those who don't identify with happiness, or themselves. These sophists, as they like to be called, are the modern academia and political agenda of the western world, drivin by one force, greed. This greed is a direct product of the system in which we live and participate, where the transaction of monies for comodity has left the planet and social solidarity of the international community on the brink. This capitalism is the is the method of choice of bigots and carpet-baggers. I choose not to accept it. My adult life has been the rapid pursuit of higher education, and social realities were systems in place that I existed in unwillingly, as I now realize. I am...

Socrates Revisited

I am currently re-reading Plato's "Republic", which is composed of a series of dialogues that ask some of the most basic questions of epistemology and the orgin of law and morality. The very foundations of the accepted modern as well as ancient moral norms are carefully and expertly questioned with incredible analysis of the concept thereafter. The reason for my introduction isn't from the assumption that the reader hasn't read the work, but rather to draw their attention to a Socratic quote that seems to be the complete focus of my attentions, at least from this past weekend and now. The quote actually comes from Plato's "Apology", but was discussed quite lavishly by the introductary notes of "Republic". "A life unexamined is not worth living" is the perplexing quote from Socrates. Its meaning is both literal and metaphoric, but heres the problem: I just cant get it. Does it mean that in ignorance and sloth that life becomes obsolete? If so, I can't help but feel horribly dead. So while this weekend, as I tried to write several papers and do a bit of self-reflection, i've realized my approach to life hasn't been the accurate path followed, rather I have attached lazily to the social norms and realities of suburban lifestyle, weighted heavily with the chains of mental slavery to the bandwagon. Even the study of these Socratic ideas isn't justice to their enormously powerful potential. I will now further my existence. This has been the "carpe diem" mentality of my entire weekend, following my completion of necessary schoolwork. I left with my friends on Saturday night up to San Francisco, and had one of the best times of my entire life. Running around and going out to eat, partying all night, meeting complete strangers and having them tag along,  and all of it carefully revisited at every opportunity. Thank goodness for cameras, or I wouldn't believe a word of it. Now begins my march foreward into a more purposed and meaningful lifestyle. 

A Ficticious Work of Fact

What to write about? Why write at all. Too much of my life has happened in the past 72 hours. You know when you have epiphany compounded into higher or "deeper" understanding of who you might be one day? Wherein a seemingly short and complex timeframe, and by that I mean near lapse in perception of reality. Lost in your own mind, finding new pursuits and excitement from nothing but conciousness. I find i'm often there, one might call it the ultimate high. Here is the scoop: i'm moving to Europe in September, again. This time it's a discovery of the self, and self-induced. Some things happen, or at least seem to, at random and unexpected times. I put it to you that there are other things at work; perhaps i'm just speculating, but why not share the process of thought? Or would you rather not hear it? I find myself, doing what I love, to be a complete ever-burning body in orbit with others, with everyone really. But again, what does this mean? Is the study of academia, (its parts, cogs, workings), the purpose of the institution in the first place? I find that i've learned more perhaps in the company of peers and other students than I could studying under many Professors. Thats not to say that I degrade the pursuit of knowledge, but rather I examine it and accept other realities. There are cross-overs between much of the commonly accepted device of formal academic study and my own. 

In other words, Sade is just amazing! But really, if you haven't just sat there, anywhere and listened to "Kiss of Life", you just havent lived. Close your eyes and do it! It only takes a couple minutes...

And check out the band called "The Whitest Boy Alive". Bad name, I know. In fact, check out the song "Golden Cage". Love you all! (By the way, the Fred Falke remix of this song is even better!)

The Curse of Apathy

If there is no passion, in anything at all, we loose the essence of being. I have great ideas, plans, opinions, and determinations, but alone I feel no sense of validity. So much of me feels entirely helpless and unsustainable for so many reasons. This depression has turned into a figurative reality for me despite how I tried to insulate myself. Rather, I found there was no insulation, just a denial of reality. I have a reality: passion. It might be the one consistency I have now, refering to my life back at school and not back in Europe, where I spent the past year studying and living; truely living. Last night I crashed into a tree and fell unconcious, albiet for only a few seconds, but all the same. This event would be foolish to interpret as any form of "sign", but I cant help but look at it as a profound marker and excuse to change. I want to be nothing but myself. That is to say I will act upon my thoughts and beliefs, with minimal or no regard for outer interference. Here's the best part: I'm in love. For the first time in my life, I can truely live in coexistence with another whom I liken to the greatest friend one could ever imagine, who will grab your hand at just the right moment and go running with you off into the unknown. It reeks of good taste. It is mine and ours. Its like looking out the window of a jet as it takes off. Its like the best night out with your friends. Its like looking in the mirror and smiling like you have been blind your whole life and now you can see. Like your favorite song playing at just the right time. It's me. I feel like Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglass at the end of "Romancing the Stone" as they ride off into eternity; with a great soundtrack. I have the best comparison! It might be like closing your eyes, with closed headphones, and listening to Jamiroquai on a shag rug.* That all being said, i'm so glad I didn't die flying over a cliff last night. It just would have been in bad taste. 

*Yes I am a HUGE dork. 

(Comming next week: Sade, how the hell do you do it?)

My Important 25 list, why 25, I have no Idea.

Recently I discovered that several friends of mine have published in lieu of others what is called a "25 List", where a choice 25 of perhaps the most emotional, pressing, valid, important, or nostalgic ideas, beliefs, methods, directives, goals or uncertanties are expressed in a defined numeric and slightly systematic way. This being my first blog entry, I find it appropriate as a starting place not only because it allows the reader to understand certain methods of conceptualization as well as formulation, but it allows me to refer back and perhaps build on my own experiences, in what seems to be a revolving door of emotional or rational conclusion. Without further adieu: 

Huntly's Top 25:

1. I have no idea what i'm talking about.

2. I feel less than people think I do. 

3. I secretly want to become French

4. I HATE when people follow enormous ideas or beliefs without equal regard for the contrary position. 

5. I NEVER enjoyed rap music

6. Recently i've discovered that music to me is far more the ability to either think of nothing or everything, and nothing in between.

7. Nothing is true unless you believe it is.

8. There is no such thing as crazy, just tyranny of the majority.

9. Family is what you make it, be it everything, nothing, your siblings and parents, or your close friends, or random strangers. 

10. I fucking love laughing and making other people laugh

11. But really I want to make people happy. 

12. I really always have wanted and believed that one day I could and will be the President of the United States. 

13. If you never travel, you know only "one page of the great book of life." 

14. I admire these countries over ours in this order, starting with the greatest: Sweden, Holland, France, Spain, Germany, Norway, Denmark, Italy, Finland. 

15. I absolutely love good wine, and try with every fiber of my being not to be a wine snob, but fail miserably because i've had good wine. (And that doesn't mean that good wine is always expensive, remember I spent the last year in France buying the cheapest and greatest wine!)

16. True and lasting peace is impossible.

17. I wish I could study philosophy and astronomy freely. 

18. Under careful calculation and speculation, I will need roughly $100,000,000 from now to be truely happy for the rest of my life. 

19. Watch me get it.

20. You are probably right to underestimate me, but theres nothing I can do about that, at least now. What is a life without compassion?

21. What the Fuck is Kwanza?

22. Power really scares me, but I seek it regardless. 

23. You'll get no judgement from me. 

24. Despite my probably fortunate situation, I cant help but feel unfortunate. This angers me into doing things that I really wouldn't normally do, like wanting to help the lives of others. 

25. I dont think I regret as much as I should. 

Bonus: This will all change one day, sooner or later.