Half Bird, Half Cowardly Lion

I keep feeling like i've made the wrong choice. A feeling that won't stop, not only at random moments, but even moments what are meant to be more beautiful I feel a rusty hook tug angrily at my heart only to tear deeper and infect. I question my ability to come to terms with it, as my track record thus far would have me fail completely. I love him. Completely. Now i'm the schoolgirl, who can't sleep at night and who feels like time is running out. There is a light that never goes out. I know he felt this way, once... What do I do now.?

Ready, Steady, GO!!!

Im angry at myself. I’ve let so many people walk all over me, and my plans for the future have been affected. It isn’t even an intentional act on their part, but rather a blowback consequence of my recent exposure from college. Let me rephrase it: it is high time. High time. Take some lasting and meaningful chances. But be very careful, you only live once, so make it count, but have fun. Always remember to have a good time.  Always remember what it is you are really about. Experience culture, but try and change the world. You’re going to need lasting experience to prove your good intentions. And that’s the worst part. But make it worthwhile and get your hands dirty. Peace Corps? Look into NGO’s and to the United Nations. The United Nations. Also, this requires you to keep and make important contacts.

1.     Ryan Good

2.     Alex Hime

3.     Jacklyn Juetten

4.     Toni Stone

5.     Mrs. Aiassa

6.     Cobie Harris

7.     Lawrence Quill

8.     Constantine Danopoulos

9.     Derek Richardson

10.  Axel Naver

11.  Ryan Besgrove

12.  Carolyn Mesmin

13.  Brandon Whale

14.  Gustavo Gallegos

15.  Stuart Gilchrist

16.  Claudia from Romania

 

These People, as well as a few unmentioned, i.e on facebook and family, will be instrumental not only for what you are able to achieve, but the outward impression you will leave with others. (or the world at large) Care not about a legacy. Work hard to perfect your semantics. It will now become more important than ever that the world understand you aright. Oh, and grow a pair. You ought to care only marginally about what others might think about you in the negative. It’s you. But keep manners, courtesy, compassion, and modesty. Perfect your spoken French and Spanish. German? To everything with passion! Always! Do it and mean it! Make music, and share in your wonder with others. Feedback from those formentioned will be invaluable. Je chante! Je chante soir et matin! Je chante sur mon chemin!

The Wild One

and I dont know why my life has changed so quickly and unmonitored. All of a sudden i'm someone else. What I can attest to is my endearing sense of purpose. I must go to Europe. San Francisco must be left both quickly and with style. Thats probably the biggest problem. How do I let the closest people to me down? The most interesting thing is not my wanting to do it, but more an inner voice suggesting at what things may come. I consider this a psuedo-crossroads. What exactly do I want? It all really does play back to what matters most to me. My own happiness. A golden cage, really. Then theres the other problem. Just leave now, you wouldn't miss it. I just cant. Thats why i'm so upset. I had even considered this as being perhaps the most dangerous possibility, and it unfolded like a damn prophecy. Words to describe: love, beauty, sadness, nostalgic, impossible, perfect. 

It always happens during the damn holidays. Every year now. It's because I have too much fun in the summer, and I have such a good troop of friends going that it's impossible to resist. Wild one, why did you ever come? Or is it me? Perhaps it's your collective calm. There is always a calm before the storm. I'll go my own way. I'm the wild one. You wouln't ever follow me. I love you. Joke with friends, but never talk to strangers...

Lonely is really my calling, but what a terrible calling! Why can't I just accept a satisfying fun!? Drops of rain turn me into a painting. Your painting. Do I really look hot when I smoke? Champagne all the same. How do you say star in french? I'll have two bottles, rather late don't you think? ...

                       you

                              have

                                       no

                                            idea

David and Goliath

It has recently come to my attention that while my Fall 2008 transcripts from my study abroad are still in shambles, I am powerless to try and motivate the system. This bureaucratic nightmare is actually taking more time out of my life at school than my actual studies. It really shouldn't be this way, nor was it ever intended to. This means, from no actual explicit statement, that I might not be graduating this semester. What does one do when they have completed all listed courses and units, and is still in limbo one week away from the comencement ceremony? One shuts down, at least in my case. I'm finished, disgusted, robbed, and disgraced. I've talked to everyone, written every requested letter of greivance, met with the managment, but to no avail. The past two weeks I can identify a slumping depression, where I have turned to alcohol to alleviate my situation. I want out. I need help. I want what is mine. I've recently discovered an artist who caters all to well to my deepening depression: Lykke Li. Her haunting voice and incredibly real situations serves as the outlet where I can pour all my anger and depression. It seems too fitting that in order to recieve a degree in Political Science that one fight the establishment, the bureaucratic mess that was so slandered in lessons and sentiment. It will all be over soon, one way or another I suppose. Check out Lykke Li's "Tonight". 

Sorrow and Uncertainty

Coming to terms with my fundamental disagreements involving so many aspects of institutionalized expected behavior, I have decided to run away from it all. This semester, and I hate constant referral to University as the source of my grief, I feel large gaps of unfulfilled priority have been super ceded by academia. So much of my devotion and work has poured over the structured demands of professors, who know what they do. This hardship isn't voluntary, as so many might assume. My academic studies for a diploma exists now unrecognized as necessity. This fact alone leaves the false impression that certain aspects of mandatory coursework are "for the greater good" rather than what they really are: academic minutiae. Combined with constant reverberated complaint from professor to pupil, unwelcome assignments, and catastrophic economic realities for so many, this graduation comes not as a relief, but more of a complete disappointment. I literally feel I might have wasted three years of my life. Not to completely blame the University (although after four years of tuition payments much is left to be desired), but the morale and social reality of San Jose is simply contrary to academic success. Students commute, attend courses, and leave. The lack of community and conducive environments where students can engage and imbibe their studies is so disheartening that SJSU might as well be a corporate employer (and a bad one at that). In short, I could care less about a piece of paper with the thanks of the bureaucrats. I want my money back. 

Drama Versus Theatrics: Ode to Mary Poppins

More on self-analysis if you can believe it: I'm theatrical. Allow me to explain. One very important point I've noticed in comparison with my attitude and most others I know is my ability to be easy. I have extraordinary few biases and qualms with anything or anyone. It might be this ability that allows me to get along with most everyone I meet. It came to me today, listening to my friends reconcile their differences among lies after lies of "he said, she said" minutiae. I seem to be the great decider by proxy or even default with so many things; and yet I still cant seem to manage my own agenda. I'm sure there isn't a single person who feels entirely looked after, (at least I hope not), but I feel that too many people are immature. Let me explain my vanity. When confronted with conflict, either amongst friends or otherwise, I never get angry in the moment, or rather never enough to inhibit my train of rational thought or word choice. I can always maintain a strict sense of self and objectivity, at least I like to think so. Its because I tell the truth, regardless to consequences intended or not. I just do it with finesse. This is what pardons me from being dramatic. I can say with some certainty that my behavior and lifestyle is rather flamboyantly theatrical, but never dramatic in the lasting sense. This interesting objectivity is a symbol of maturity on my behalf, demonstrating the responsibility I'm willing to take for my actions. Too much around me is quite the reverse. The world is full of Queens who can't live in the truth. It's time to bid adieu, open up the umbrella, and fly off into the clouds once again.

Caviar and Cigarettes

I came bursting out with such an interesting quote the other afternoon that I had to pause a minute to admire myself. "I don't think I need another day of what somebody else has to say." At first glance, this rather simple quip is but a drop in the pond of ordinary conversation. Placed in context however, and it makes a powerful gesture to my ego and self-conviction of where I'm going in life. Essentially, I've tried to reach out for guidance, and all I seem to find is a lack thereof. I hate not having direction. Well, that aside, I have found the best Champagne in my entire life: Trader Joe's Blanc de Blanc. Its marvelous price tag of $4.49 per bottle tickles my tummy before the bubbles themselves do! I just can't say enough about it. Champagne is the cure to any disappointment, and has done so many times this semester. Many of my new found friends are living in constant crisis these days; blaming their situation on anyone but themselves. They have done it so well that I almost found myself following suit. And then it happened. Three days ago, in COMM 10, we learned about the Chinese hybrid character for the word crisis: danger and opportunity. That left me flustered for a few hours, trying to apply this new information to my situation. The opportunity I have found is the ability to return to earth. These next couple weeks will now be my humble return to the grindstone. To work where I must. To graduate and close this chapter of my life, only to move foreward into uncertainty and excitment.